


Countdown

by synthdreams



Category: Shinhwa
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 23:44:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12000420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synthdreams/pseuds/synthdreams
Summary: A couple of cigarettes, a promise ring and a photograph.





	Countdown

I woke up feeling dizzy, I can’t remember anything apart from that I was having an argument with my best friend, the same one we’ve been having for over fifteen years now, I looked around and I noticed I was in my room, lying in bed, I tried to get up but the pain in my head was too strong. I can’t recall if I hit my head or something yesterday, I reached for some pills I had nightstand’s drawer for circumstances like this, I swallowed them without wáter and I fucking hated it, the taste was bitter, my mouth was dry, I took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed massaging my temples for a while. The room was filled with the rays of the sun already, I grabbed my phone, it was two in the afternoon. How the hell did I sleep this much? I also noticed I had a couple of missed calls and text messages, from him. The last person I talked to before I passed out. I didn’t even bother to read them, I knew it was all about the same god-damn-thing. I got up and walked straight to the kitchen to drink some water and make myself some food, I was starving to death, yeah, death, I’ve heard that a lot lately, I’m not afraid of it, or that’s what I always said. The headache was now gone and I was almost done “cooking”. The smell of Ramyun filled the room, I hate to eat this only but I’m not in the mood of making big dishes, I sat on the kitchen counter and ate the whole bowl, I sighed because of the things going through my head, I sighed because I believe I was doing the right thing but it’s hurting the ones close to me.  
I heard my phone beep, it was a text message, it was from Junjin.

"Can we meet at seven? It’s important. "

This wasn’t for business, I know it’s to talk about me, again.

About a couple of minutes later I texted back that we’ll meet later at his place. I got off the counter and threw the empty pot in the bin then went straight to the bathroom. I felt heavy, I felt like I haven’t bathed for weeks, I looked myself in the mirror, my lips were cracked, my eyes were dull, I sighed again. I got inside the shower and spent about ten minutes feeling the cold water hitting my head, my shoulders, suddenly the thought of what happened yesterday hit me, somehow I feel bad remembering his face, he was sad, his eyes were filled with tears but he fought them back, he told me for the first time that he won’t lookout for me anymore, but that he’ll never leave my side, and that he’ll never mention the thing again…

It took me a couple of minutes to get ready, I was looking a lot better now, even though I was feeling the same. I looked for my shoes in the living room when I started to cough like there was no tomorrow, possibly tomorrow will never come or maybe yes, I don’t know how many tomorrows I have left, I sat on the couch still coughing, I tried to took deep breaths to calm it down and after a few minutes the coughing was gone, my throat was sore, I hid my face in my hands closing my eyes, I wished all of this would be a dream, no, not a dream, a nightmare. I shook my head and got up and straightening my shirt, I looked myself one more time in the mirror and faked a smile.

 

I was already at Junjin’s, I rang the bell and he immediately opened the door, he greeted me with a smile and told me to get in. I’ve always liked Junjin’s place, it’s really comfortable, when you’re there you can forget easily about what’s outside, I bet if the world was ending he’ll never notice, the noisy streets couldn’t be heard, it’s like the house was trapped into a bubble, I heard Junjin talk but I wasn’t sure about what he was saying, I shook my head and turned around to find him looking curiously at me.

"You weren’t listening, right?" Junjin asked while sitting on his chair.

"No, I’m sorry, I was just… thinking’" I replied flashing an apologetic smile at him.

He arched his brow a Little and pointed the couch beside me, I quietly sat and looked at him.

"So…?" I said tapping my knees with my fingers, feeling nervous somehow, I knew I was the topic in the following conversation.

"Dongwan told me you fainted last night" junjin said, I heard the hint of concern in his voice. I rolled my eyes, I hated to see him like this, Dongwan shouldn’t have told anyone about what happened.

"It was nothing, okay? I was probably exhausted, I don’t know. I’m feeling really good now!" I grinned, wanting to make him see nothing’s wrong, that everything’s alright, even though I know it’s not.

He sighed quietly before taking his time to reply "Don’t lie to me, he told me you two were arguing again and you began to wheeze until you felt a pain in your chest. He even told me he had to take you to the hospital after that, don’t you remember?"

I stared at him startled, hospital? Was I unconscious all that time? I tried to remember but my mind was empty, So I just looked at my hands, unsure of 

"I-I didn’t know he took me to the hospital… I can’t remember…" I said while staring back at him again, he was no longer looking at me.

"Listen, Hyesung, you’re the closest thing to a brother I have, your pain is my pain too, but I can’t help you with this if you don’t let yourself out of that rock you’re living under now" he was looking directly at my eyes, I was making him suffer, the more I wanted to have him out of all of this mess, the more he gets into, the more he gets hurt.

I leaned against the backrest with my eyes closed "I’m sorry" I replied quietly, I didn’t know what else to say, my head was blank except for the words he said earlier, those were the only thing echoing in my mind.

 

"But I woke up at home-" I whispered to myself but he heard.

"Yes, that’s because you only were in the hospital for a few hours then Dongwan drove you to your apartment and stayed there until the sun was out, he left after that because he had things to do, anyway, the doctor said you fainted for all the stress the discussion caused you." Junjin said calmly while resting his elbows on his legs. "Also, they asked Dongwan something else…"

I got tense again, here it comes… "What is it? I said with a pause between the words staring back at him. He was looking at me with his brows furrowed, he closed his eyes for a moment before asking "Are you still smoking?" my jaw tightened, yes, I’m still smoking, I can’t quit it, I’m going to die anyway.

"No, of course not! I quit smoking five months ago" I said in a hurry, letting out a nervous chuckle avoiding his eyes "Why?"

He was looking at me incredulously, "Because they said your lungs are not getting any better and…" I cut him off, "Jin, you know I’m not going to get any better, even if I’m still smoking or not I won’t get any better" his expression changed from worried to mad in a matter of seconds, if there was something he hated was me being negative about this but it was the truth and I didn’t believe in miracles.  
"Do you like to see all of us going crazy because of you? You’re not the only one suffering here, Hyesung! But yeah, you already said it, you’re going to die anyway" I’m going to die, yes, I already knew that, but this time it felt so real and it hurts, it hurts so much, I couldn’t fight the tears forming in my eyes as a sob escaped from my lips, I heard him let out a heavy sigh as he sat beside me.

"I’m sorry…" I felt his arm encircling around my shoulder, his forehead resting on the side of my head, "I can’t say everything’s gonna be alright, I’d be lying… Just like you just did, I know you still smoke…" 

I was feeling like the most cruel, heartless, inhuman person on earth, I don’t deserve to live, do I?

I got up and wiped my tears away, "I hope you can forgive me for being such a horrible person, Jin, for making you suffer like this" I said avoiding his gaze as I cursed under my breath and walked away leaving the house and him behind, if I can’t even take care of myself, I don’t deserve to be surrounded by people who want to do it for me.

 

10:30 pm

I walked straight into my room and let my body fall on my bed, why things had to turn out this way? I know it is all my fault, that I should have stopped all of this when I had the chance but I didn’t, I guess I thought I was immortal and nothing bad would ever happen but I was so wrong, really wrong, now I was submerged in my own misery, losing what I’ve treasured over the years, hurting those who I’ve loved all these years. I buried my face in my pillow, I didn’t want to die with this feeling of guiltiness seeing them suffer. If only I had stopped it…

 

Six months ago…

We were at Dongwan’s place, the guys and I didn’t really wanted to go clubbing that night but we were having a blast, just ourselves, I excused myself for a moment and went upstairs. I was sitting on the rooftop of the house, looking at the sky while smoking a cigarette, I was thinking about our best memories and how far our friendship has lasted until I felt a light kick my lower back.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Dongwan, of course, how could I thought I’d be in peace for a moment while he was near.

“I thought you said you quit smoking” yes, I said it, but I didn’t mean it. I put the cigarette between my lips again and inhale the smoke one last time, I hold it in my lungs for a moment and then I exhale calmly before I stubbed it out on the floor and got up.  
Dongwan was glaring at me as if he wanted to set me on fire.

“What?” I asked feeling a little irritated, “Why do you worry so much about this?” It’s not like I’m going to die or something, Jesus, just chill!” I blurted out placing a hand on his shoulder, he let out a bitter laugh and swatted it away.

“You’ve been coughing so much lately, and getting tired when we go out for a run… Don’t you think it is because your fucking habit? Or more like addiction.” He said raising his voice with an incredulous look on his face. 

“Nonsense, my dear Dongwannie, probably I’m just getting the flu. I promise I’ll visit the doctor tomorrow, now give me a hug, yes?” I replied pouting and batting my lashes ridiculously trying to lift up the mood.

“Fuck off, Hyesung” that was the last thing I heard before he pushed me aside and went downstairs. I sighed, great, just great, I bet he’ll tell everybody about this and the celebration will turn into hell, at least for me it will.

I went downstairs and grabbed a cup of wine, I saw Eric talking to Dongwan so I decided to approach them, when I was getting closer Dongwan glared at me, whispered something to Eric and walked away. I hissed shaking my head.

“What was that?” Eric asked staring at me with his eyes squinted,

“What was what?” I pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about, I looked up at him and he was now looking at where Dongwan was, drinking alone.

“Ah, that. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he suddenly got mad at me”. Eric frowned, he seemed a little confused, “And may I know why?” he asked lowering his head. “I was on the rooftop smoking and he got mad” I said with a slight amused tone while shrugging my shoulders slightly, actually, I found the situation amusing, Dongwan’s just acting silly.

“Hm, I thought you said you’d quit...” Eric exclaimed in a calm but serious tone, drinking what was left in his cup, “Yes, I said I’d qui, but I didn’t say when” I half smiled mockingly at him tilting my head slightly.

“You know that it’s bad for your health, right?” Eric’s face remained emotionless, he must be falling asleep or he was already drunk. So I just nodded, “Don’t worry. I’m okay” muttering out softly while patting his back.

The four guys in the room were drunk now, except for Dongwan who seemed to be still mad at me and not in the mood to drink anymore, meanwhile Junjin, Minwoo and Eric were playing Jackstone, none of them seemed to have success on the first round, they were too drunk to even know where their hands were placed. I was quite amused now because Andy was trying to talk to them but none of the guys was paying attention. I really loved these moments, when we were us, we felt human, we felt unbreakable. I was smiling immersed in my own thoughts when suddenly I started coughing, my chest started to ache and I didn’t hesitate to get up and I went straight to the bathroom.

And there I was with my hands placed on the sides of the sink supporting my body as I coughed, after two minutes of unstoppable coughing it stopped, this has been happening for a while now, I found it completely normal, I still believe it’s because I’ll get sick, probably a normal flu of five days, that’s it, nothing else. I splashed my face with some water before walking out the bathroom.

“So, is it a habit of yours coughing like your stomach will come out of your mouth?” a familiar voice asked from behind, I turned around and there he was, with his back leaning on the Wall next to the bathroom door.

I rolled my eyes automatically he was really getting into my nerves. I turned around ready to walk away, I wasn’t going to argue with him again but I felt him grabbing me by my elbow and I swear his touch burned my skin, he was grabbing my arm so tightly, I winced while staring at him directly into his eyes,

“You’re not going to answer? You can’t run away forever. You know there’s something wrong but you just don’t want to admit it, you’re so confident thinking nothing can happen to you, huh?” I didn’t notice when he stepped closer to me, he was now holding me so close I could feel his raging breath on my chin.

“I- choked with my drink, that’s all.” I tried to break apart from his grip but his hands were glued to my arms, “You don’t know how to lie” he chuckled under his breath “Just because we’re giving us a time doesn’t mean I’ll stop worrying about you” he closed his eyes lowering his head, “You know I love you Hyesung, you know I will wait for you as much as it takes” after that he let go of me, my heart was beating at an incredible speed. I asked him for time, I was confused, he has always been my best friend, I just wasn’t really sure if I love him like a friend or like a lover, I needed time.

“Please…” he said almost like a whisper, “please, let’s visit the doctor tomorrow, I want to know you’re okay, just like you always say” I noticed a small tear rolling down his cheek as he bit his upper lip tightly while keeping his head down and I pulled him into a hug, it killed me to see him cry, “Alright, we’ll go tomorrow, I promised.” I kissed the top of his head while my hands soothe his back, “You’ll see everything is okay, you’ll see that I’m perfectly fine and nothing bad is happening”.

 

I called a taxi to take the four children and me home, they sat on the backseat laughing or more like yelling like a bunch of goats, I waved goodbye to Dongwan from afar and he said tomorrow, I could read it on his lips, I let out a little sigh and nodded slightly in response.

 

I was already home, opening the door and turning the lights on before making my way to the kitchen to drink some water and glanced at my wristwatch to see the time, it was 3:33 am, I had a strange feeling just from looking at it and then I started coughing again but I didn’t last as much as last time, it was time to rest, i thought.

I groaned while my pone was ringing non-stop, I turned around to face my nightstand and grabbed it, answering half asleep not looking who was calling because I knew who it was.

“Hello?” I said in a husky voice.

“Time to wake up, you stubborn kid! It’s already 9 in the morning, we have something to do today, remember?” his voice was full of joy making my lips curl up into a small smile. “I’ll be at your place in 1 hour, hurry hurry!!” I didn’t have any time to answer, he hanged up before I could say something.

My smile dissapeared and I grumbled, closing my eyes for a few seconds before rolling out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. I was ready in twenty minutes, now I have forty minutes left to eat something before Dongwan arrives. I wasn’t feeling really hungry so I just poured some milk into a bowl and added cereal to it. I was starting to get nervous, what if it is not a flu? What if I’m really sick? I was immersed in my thoughts. I shook my head swiftly, don’t be stupid, nothing is wrong with you, stop panicking like everyone else.

I heard a knock on the door, I rapidly got up from my chair, leaving the bowl into the sink. I reached the door and turned the knob to find a smiling Dongwan standing there. I smiled back at him and invite him to get in, but he shook his head.

“I’ll come to visit you later, now, we have to go!” he grabbed my hand and dragged me out.

 

We were sitting on the waiting room, Dongwan told me the doctor will be here in any minute, after a few minutes a nurse walked stepped out of the door in front of us and called my name.

“Is Shin Hyesung here?” Dongwan immediately raised his hand and exclaimed with a big smile adorning his face; “He’s right here!” I glared at him as the nurse told me to come with her, Dongwan patted my back and flashed two thumps up at me.

 

I was in a bright room, too bright for my own good, for a second I thought I was already dead and in heaven waiting for someone to tell me to come in or send me to hell. The doctor finally entered to the room, he introduced himself and told me to undress myself and use the green robe hanging on the wall. He was going to do an x-ray examination to my lungs.

“Mr. Kim Dongwan told me you’ve been coughing a lot. Do you feel a pain on your chest and get tired easily when you talk or walk?” he asked while guiding me where to stand before he begins his work.

So Dongwan already arranged all of this… Ugh, this guy.

“Well yeah- lately I’ve been feeling tired when I walk too much and my chest sometimes hurt. I told him it’s probably some kind of new flu, I guess.” I said calmly standing where he guided me to.

“We’ll see…” he said while walking to other side of the room and I hear a flash but I saw no light, he came out and told me we were done here, now we have to do other examinations, I wondered how much time will this take, they took blood samples and did a spiral CT scan, I already wanted to go home this was too much, I was walking from room to room, going upstairs and downstairs again and again, it was already thirty minutes of bloody exams that I thought the will never come to an end, why do they do all of this? It’s just a flu, for god’s sake!

“This is the last exam, don’t worry. Lay here and just relax.” He said pointing to a small stretcher in the middle of the room. This room was really bright too. “We’ll apply local anesthetic so you won’t be able to feel any pain in your throat.” What? What is he gonna do now? If I feel pain I’m going to kill Dongwan after this.

I walked out of the room with the help of the nurse, my throat was sore, I searched for Dongwan with my gaze there he was right where I left him, with the back of his head resting against the wall, his eyes staring at the ceiling, he semmed lost in thoughts. I approached him and sat on the chair next to his.

“Don’t ever dare to take me here again. Never!” I said in a low voice grabbing my neck, Jesus, it hurts.  
“How was it?” he asked with an eager look on his face.

“Horrible, they put a freaking tube through my throat and it had some kind of microscopic camera in it because they were seeing everything on a big TV screen. It was disgusting!” I pouted as I saw the doctor coming from afar.

“It will take two hours to have the final results, you can wait here or you can go and come back later.” Dongwan said we will wait here inmediately, is this man for real? Two more hours here? This is too much. The doctor just nodded and walked away.

“Why do we have to wait here? We can just go somewhere else and eat something, I don’t know. Do you really like hospitals this much?” I said frowning at him in annoyance and he let out a laughed “And why do you have to be so stubborn? Two hours are nothing, time will pass by quickly! You can take a nap if you want.” he squeezed my leg and smiled.

Truth is time was passing slowly, I wasn’t in the mood to talk plus, my throat was still sore, I stared at Dongwan who was now sleeping resting his head on the wall, I sighed as I carefully placed my head on his shoulder closing my eyes, maybe if I fall asleep the hours will go by quickly.

I woke up and my head was still on Dongwan’s shoulder, but now his hand was holding mine with our fingers laced together, I bit a smile and closed my eyes again.

I wasn’t sure how much time has passed already when I heard Dongwan’s voice close to my ear.

“Hyesung, the doctor is coming in any moment. Wake up” he said while stroking my hair. I sat straight rubbing my eyes, the pain in my throat was gone now, thank god.

“What time is it?” I asked looking at him with my eyes partly open, he checked his pone before answering, “It’s 3 in the afternoon, why? You have a date with someone else?” He tried to make an irritated face but laughed softly afterwards.

“No, I just wanted to know…” I got up from the chair. I stared feeling nervous, my hands were cold and my knees were getting weak. I walked back and forth with my hands on my hips, biting my lip.

“Calm down, you’re going to have a heart attack!” Dongwan said in a soft voice, “You said nothing’s wrong, so why worry so much?” he smiled sweetly at me and I felt my heart flutter, “I’m right here, with you, so don’t feel nervous. Whatever it is, I’m going through this with you.” In that moment I wanted to hold him in my arms, to tell him how much I loved him but I didn’t. I just nodded at him smiling and sat next to him again. His expression went from happy to a gloomy one, I know he was expecting something more than a nod. He got up and walked away, I looked where he was going and noticed the doctor coming from upstairs holding what semmed like the results of the exams in his hands. A part of me didn’t want to know what was written there, but I got up and walked where he was standing now with Dongwan. His face was serious, a hint of sorrow covered in his eyes. Something is not good at all…

“What is it, Doctor? What is the diagnostic?” Dongwan asked eyeing the papers in his hands. “We better talk about this in my office, please follow me.” Dongwan nodded and followed him right away and with those words I knew nothing’s good as I thought, I didn’t want to hear what the doctor had going to say, I wanted to run away but there I was, following him from behind. He opened the door and told us get in and take a seat. He sat on his chair in front of us putting the exam results on his desk.

“I’m afraid I have no good news to give you” I felt my heartbeat stop for a few seconds, I didn’t even bother to look at Dongwan, I was staring at the doctor, wanting to read in his eyes what’s going on before he says it out loud and the man next to me collapses crying for something that is not even happening to him directly but to the most important person to him in the whole universe.

“The final results revealed that…” I feel my breath stopping, the world around me stopped as well, I didn’t want to hear the rest, at this point I know something really serious is happening and death could be an option.

“…you have lung cancer, Hyesung.” Dongwan’s eyes opened wide and I closed mine, silence filled the room, but the doctor continued “and it is very advanced…” my eyes were still closed, I didn’t know if Dongwan was still here or if he already passed out, he hasn’t asked any questions and I’m too shocked too even open my eyes and say something, why me? Is this some kind of curse? But what did I do to deserve this? My subconscious didn’t hesitate to give me an answer, I smoke more than a hippie.

“How much time do I have left?” I manage to ask in a trembling voice giving up to any hope, Dongwan turned to look at me with an incredulous face, I could see him through the corner of my eye. I swallowed and stared at the doctor waiting for the answer that will not make things better, anyway.

“You know, it’s really difficult to answer that, the statistics are not accurate in this case, some people live longer others don’t… We could’ve done something if you had come earlier, now… There’s not much we can do. I’m really sorry” the doctor looked down and I just nodded, I guess things were not fine as I thought, they never were, this is all my fault and now I can’t do anything just live the time I’ve got left. How I wish I didn’t wake up this morning, why didn’t I die in my sleep? Now everything I can think of is death, death chasing me, death coming to me in any moment. Tears stared to fill my eyes.

“I’m going to leave you two alone now, if you need something please call me.” With that the doctor left the office leaving a petrified Dongwan beside me. Tears falling from my eyes, I felt so miserable just by seeing him like this, I still can’t get over the fact I’m going to die, don’t know when but I’m going to.

“It should be me… not you” I heard Dongwan mutter “Why you, why you?” he started sobbing, his palms covering his face, I kneeled beside him grabbing his hands, I was shaking but holding back my tears, this was a nightmare, he doesn’t deserve to be suffering like this.

“What are you saying? This is all my fault, not yours. Please, stop crying like this, it hurts me more, you shouldn’t be suffering because of me-” I said trying to swallow my sobs, I kissed his hands and wiped his tears away, “calm down” I got up making him get up of his chair too. “Let’s go, I don’t want to be in this place anymore… Please” he didn’t say a word instead he hugged me so very tightly...

“I don’t want you to die, my Hyesungie, I want to grow old with you, please, tell me this is all a nightmare!” he was holding me close to him, I couldn’t help it but let my tears flow along with his, I didn’t know what to say anymore, this was so real and I pressed my lips over his, kissing him softly, I felt the taste of his salty tears in my mouth, I felt his shaky lips against mine while sighing over them. Somehow this kiss made the pain go away but I know I shouldn’t have done this. We can’t be together now, we can’t, I’m going to die and it’ll be worse for us. For him.

“Let’s get out of here, please!” I said whispering while caressing his cheeks with my thumbs.

We left the hospital and I still can’t believe what is happening now, Dongwan still had his eyes full of tears, he was biting his lips so hard, none of us said a word. Suddenly the thought of telling the rest about this hit me, this is going to be ten times worse and I don’t know how if I will be capable of handling this.

We were now outside the ShinCom building, Dongwan got out the car first and waited for me to get out too. He was holding the results with both of his hands, I walked inside the building and he followed me, silence making us company. I took a deep breath and open the meeting room door to find the rest fooling around, they looked so happy, they didn’t even know about what’s happening… They greeted us with bright smiles on their faces but they soon faded away when they noticed our sorrowful expressions.

“What’s wrong with you two?” Junjin blurted out, the fourth of them were now quiet and waiting for us to answer, Dongwan was now facing the wall, trying to hold back his sobs, I took the papers off of his hands and handed them to Eric who was now so confused as the rest, I didn’t have the courage to speak, I sat on a chair with my face on my hands, I started crying again, I heard Minwoo’s voice reading. Not too long a couple of gasps were heard and a fist punching the wall. It was happening.

_

I was pressing the pillow so hard against my face when somebody inside the room spoke, “You know it’s impossible to suffocate yourself with a pillow? As much as you try you just can’t do it.”  
I immediately jumped out of bed startled with the pillow in my hands ready to hit whoever it was.

“Are you sure a pillow can hurt anyone? Tsk.” He let out a soft laugh before leaning over the door. “I came to check if you were alright, it’s okay if you don’t answer my calls nor my messages, you know I’m always watching…” I was about to say something when he spoke again, “food is in the oven. Have a goodnight” with that he walked away leaving me standing there.

A week passed since the last incident, I’ve been hiding from the world since then, the guys have been calling and sending me messages every now and then, asking if I was okay, even though they were busy they didn’t forget about me. I wondered how much time I had left, I wanted to spend the rest of my days alone, I dind’t want to see people suffering with me, watching me die slowly. I’m dying and I’m still being a selfish bastard. In a week my coughing has gotten worse, sometimes I even spit blood, the pain in my chest is so strong it gets difficult for me to breath, eventually the pain will be unbearable and I know what comes after…

Dongwan texted saying he will come over today, he had even cancelled all his schedules to be with me, I told him it wasn’t really necessary but he didn’t care, he wanted to stay with me until the last day. I waited for him sitting in my living room, I saw him yesterday but it felt like a week, I heard the door open and I turned around to see him holding a white bag in his hands.

“Hello there, little prince” he said with a big smile planted on his face, “missed me?” I scrunched up my nose disgustingly and shook my head, “what do you have there?” I asked pointing at the bag in his hands. He sat beside me and put the bag on the table, “I found these at home, you will laugh like you've ever laughed before!” he took out something that looked like a book, but when he opened it, it was a photo album from our pre-debut days. I started eyeing every picture laughing at how long was Eric’s hair back then, he looked so odd-.  
There were also pictures of Minwoo using extra-large clothes that made him look tinier than he actually is, guess he thought he looked cool.

“I knew you’d enjoy this” he said softly, his voice filled with joy, “I really didn’t remember these, it was such a horrible fashion era, but oh-well, long live to the 90’s” I said laughing turning my head to look at Dongwan who apparently has been staring at me for a while now, he had a lovely smile planted on his face, I swear I could see his eyes sparkle for a moment. “Are you hungry, Sungie?” he asked softly, I felt butterflies flutter in my stomach and my heart beating so fast I thought it’d pop out of my chest any minute, “No, Wannie, I’m not hung-…” I felt his lips crashing onto mine before I could finish the sentence, it’s been a long, long time since our last kiss. Truth is, I missed them, I missed how soft his lips are but more than that, I missed being like this with Dongwan, I’ve realized that I really love him and I was just giving excuses in the past because I was afraid, afraid of hurting him, afraid of not being good enough for him. I really regret wasting our time like that, because now, I don’t have much time left to repay all of the things we could’ve done. His hands were holding my face, his lips moving slowly over mine, my arms around his torso pulling his body closer but he suddenly stopped the kiss, my mind was protesting, my body was protesting.

“Hey…” he whispered placing his forehead over mine, “Grant me a wish?” he said looking directly at my eyes.

“Do I look like a genie?” he chuckled, “No, you’re the little prince, princes can make wishes come true too, you know” he pecked my lips, at this point I was already going to say yes to everything. “Tell the prince what your wish is.” I let a tender smile spread across my lips, he smiled too, maybe I can make his wish come true after all.

“Let me be with you and love you until your last day. Let me make you the happiest person on earth. Please” he eyes never left mine, “But you know we-” he interrupted me, “No buts. I’m begging you, I love you so much and I want to show it to you from now on” his voice was sweet and firm eventhough his eyes were already filled with tears, I cupped his face with my hands kissing his eyes softly “Don’t cry, my love…” and in that moment I felt so alive like I have never felt before.

Dongwan didn’t want to waste any second, he took me to the most beautiful places near even though we already visited them before but this time it was different, because we were together. It was a month full of joy, he made me laugh ‘till my eyes were teary, happy teary eyes. Even if I was feeling happy and making him happy too I couldn’t stop the feeling of guiltiness inside my chest because I knew how things would be at the end, me dead, he aching. He’d be hurting for a long time, maybe years… I hope he’ll be able to love somebody again and that somebody can make him the happiest man on earth, I wish I’d be that person, I wish all of this was a dream, a nightmare from which I have not wake up yet.

We were back home that day, it was pretty late, Dongwan ride me on his back from the park until we made it to my apartment door I pecked his cheek getting off of his back afterwards to open the door when I was about to turn on the lights he grabbed my arm, “I think we don’t need them now” I swear I saw a little devilish smirk on his face, he closed the door behind us and kissed my neck, moving slowly upwards to my cheeks kissing them softly, “I’m going to love you like I’ve never loved anyone tonight” he whispered in my ear and I felt a shiver going down my spine. He quickly took me to my bedroom and pushed me to the wall, his lips attacked my neck again kissing and biting the flesh, my hands playing with his belt, he kissed my mouth, this kiss stole all my breath and gave it back, I groaned into his mouth as he slowly guided me to the bed and laid on top of me, I tangled my fingers in his hair and pulled him closer to me, the kiss was deep yet tender, he took off my shirt I did the same with his, my hands went down unbuckling his belt as he was kissing my neck again he helped me taking off his pants, he took off mine so easily, I could see lust and hunger in his eyes, his hands all over my body, I surrendered completely at him. He loved me tonight.

 

The sunlight slipped behind the curtains, I slowly opened my eyes feeling an arm around my waist, Dongwan’s precious sleeping face was in front of mine, his breath softly fanning my face, I looked at him for a while admiring his perfect structure, he had such a beautiful face, his jawline was my favorite part of his face, I traced my finger across it slowly going down on his neck then on his arm and drew little hearts with my finger.

“That’s a heart you’re doing there” he whispered with his eyes still closed, “do you like to look at my precios self that much, love?” a small sleepy smirk was now on his face. “Hey! I thought you were asleep!” I felt my cheeks getting warm, this situation is quite embarrassing to be honest; at least I didn’t say anything.

“I was but then I felt a little finger caressing my face, then my neck and finally my arm. What a sneaky finger, don’t you think?” He said chuckling softly finally opening his eyes, damn, that stare, it makes my knees weak, it’s so warm and loving yet piercing. He pulled me closer, our bodies were pressed against each others, “Did you sleep well?” he asked pecking my nose, “Yes, slept perfectly. You, dongwannie?” I asked caressing his cheek gently with the back of my fingers and he kissed my lips softly, “I slept good, I missed you in my dreams” he said smiling as he leaned in to kiss me, giving my bottom lip a small nip.

“You’re so silly, Wannie. But in a cute way” I smiled sweetly before attempting to get out of bed when he grabbed me tightly, “Where do you think you’re going, huh?” he arched an eyebrow. “I have to go to the bathroom or either I’m going to pee myself and you. I’ll be back quickly!” I let out a chuckle at my words as I kissed his lips one more time and rushed to the bathroom.

I was about to leave the bathroom when I started coughing uncontrollably, I covered my mouth with my hands as I savoured the metallic taste in my tongue, I looked at them and my palms were covered in blood. I kneeled down when all my strength disappeared and my chest started to ache as one hand was keeping me to collapse onto the floor and the other one on my chest.

“D-dongwan, please, come!” I managed to yell, I felt my insides burning, the pain was unbearable.

“What happened?” he asked kneeling down grabbing my arms, his eyes filled with fear, I was about to say something but my voice refused to come out and after that I fainted.

I woke up in the hospital, Dongwan was sitting on a chair beside me sleeping with his head resting on my legs. It was hard for me to breath, I tried not to move so much so I won’t wake Dongwan up. A nurse came in asking me how I was feeling, and truth is I am feeling like crap.

“Not really good” those words barely left my mouth, it was almost like a whisper, she checked my pulse and with that she left. Dongwan woke up and immediately grabbed my hand squeezing it gently. “You scared me” he immediately leaned over to give my lips a quick kiss.

“I’m sorry” I whispered, my voice was almost gone, I guess this is it. “Shh, you don’t have to be sorry. How are you feeling?” he said while stroking my hair, “Horrible. I-I’m scared” Dongwan was scared too, I can see the fear in his eyes. “Don’t be, I’m here, with you” a tear escaped his eye and he quickly wipped it, “Let’s not force your throat, if you need something just squeeze my hand and I’ll hand you something for you to write it down. Okay?” he smiled sweetly and I nodded.

Hours passed and my condition was getting worse, they took me to intensive care and Dongwan begged the nurses to let him stay with me, he insisted them so much that they finally accepted. They told him to not disturb me and keep quiet, it was best to not agitate me. The room was empty, just Dongwan and me. Maybe that’s the reason they let Dongwan stay, I was the only one person fighting death.

“Sungie, I’ll go out for a moment. I need to look for something at home” he said grabbing my hand, “I’ll be quick!” he smiled and I shook my head in disapproval, it was late and I didn’t want him to be driving at this hour, I squeezed his hand tightly not letting it go. “Hey, don’t worry, I’ll be back soon, I promise” he kissed my lips sweetly, “I love you, so much” he kissed them one last time and walked away. I closed my eyes trying to keep myself calm, I’ll wait for him.

-

It hurts me to leave Hyesung alone but I really need to get the ring, it’s the one I gave him when I promised that I’d be forever by his side no matter what, when he told me he needed time he gave it back to me, now I want him to have it again, for him to see I never broke my promise.  
Home was thirty minutes away from the hospital, I drove as fast as I could. I still couldn’t believe he was dying, my little prince was dying and I can’t do anything to stop it, people like him don’t deserve to die but I guess that’s how life works, we’re born to die.

I stopped the car in front of my house and ran upstairs directly into my room, I looked for the little box in my nightstand drawer were I’ve kept the ring all this time and took it, the ring was inside with a photo of us, he was hugging me from behind smiling sweetly at the camera while I was looking somewhere else, I took the ring sliding it on my finger, I put the picture on my pocket and ran downstairs to get into my car again.

I was on my way back to the hospital when a strange feeling pulsed in my chest and a shiver went down my spine. “God please, let him be still alive or I will never forgive myself for not staying until the last second.” I slip my hand inside my pocked to take out the picture eyeing it one last time, I smiled, he looked so beautiful, so happy, my sweet baby. I looked at the road again, meeting a bright light coming directly to me fast, I pulled over but a dangerous curve was right in front of me… Last thing I heard was a loud crash...

I don’t know what time is it but all I know is Dongwan has been gone for a plenty of time now, I tried to stay calm because worrying right now will make things worse for me. Time was passing and I was feeling weaker and weaker, where is he? I hope he’s fine, he needs to be fine. I closed my eyes trying not to think so much, the best thing I can do is fall asleep maybe when I woke up he’ll be here beside me… I just hope I’ll wake up to see him one last time.

I woke up from the lack of oxygen, breathing deeply as I noticed Dongwan wasn’t here yet but now someone, a man as far as I can tell was on the bed next to mine and I wondered what happened to him, he has bandages on his face and arms, something in my mind was telling me to get off the bed and look closely to him, I managed to get up and immediately I started to feel tired and out of breath. There was something over the table at the edge of his bed, I walked close and it was just a ring and a crumpled piece of paper, the ring looked so familiar to me, I’ve seen it somewhere… My chest started to ache, I took the piece of paper and noticed it was photographic paper, I turned it around and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it’s a picture of me and Dongwan and this ring, this ring is mine, the pain in my chest increased, everything began to spin around me, I glanced at the man on the bed one more time and… It’s Dongwan, I collapsed, my legs were violently shaking when suddenly the green lines in his monitor stopped beeping and then an alarm went on loud and clear, I knew what this means, doctors and nurses came to the room and they put me back on my bed before they tried to wake Dongwan back up but they failed.

“Kim Dongwan, time of death Three thirty-three a.m…”

The doctor said something more but all my senses were failing now, I was waiting for death to take me away too.

 

And as he promised-  
We stayed together until the last day…


End file.
